I applied for college today. Half-way through, I bogged down somewhere between transferring credits and deciding whether I was a U.S. citizen. Don’t laugh. Applications are specifically designed to fry just enough brain cells so that when you get to “Would you like financial aid?”, you stare off into the distance, admire shiny objects, and dreamily check “No”.
As the oldest of eight, I truly want to pay my own way. (And I have been able to so far. Booyah.) But with that, comes some very adultish decisions, ones that I have no clue how to make. Of course, my parents are extremely supportive, but at a certain age, you want to stand up, think for yourself, and say, “I will take responsibility.”
Much to my chagrin, however, I have discovered that the more adultish decisions I make, the more I feel like a three year old.
“How do you want your credits transferred?”
Umm…yes. I do want them transferred.
“Financial aid. Yes? NO? Maybe, sorta, kinda?”
Is there a “Can I get back to you later? Maybe, sorta, kinda?”
“Do you want fries with that?”
The human life is funny that way, isn’t it? It’s the same cycle for everyone – we’re born, we live, we make decisions (college, marriage, career, etc.), we die…it’s a bit humdrum as a large picture. But when you zero in? It’s a totally white-washed map of uncertainty for everyone. No two maps of life are alike, though the general geography is the same.
Though this sounds like an oxymoron, I also somewhat thrive on the uncertainty. I’m trying to break out of my comfort zone and truly enjoy this once-in-a- lifetime stage of my life. I can never have this time again, never retrace my steps. This time, the moments when I want to tear my hair out, demand a refund on the day, or just push the timeout button on life – these moments are precious.
I want to dream outrageous dreams, refusing to focus on the nitty gritty. To soar with my writing. To truly think and examine my motivations, my goals.
Make time to learn at the feet of my life-long teachers, masters of the written word. To work hard, but still enjoy the exquisite pain of a lovely phrase, or an alien thought. To write for the sheer joy of writing, for thinking on paper, for discovering new ideas tucked away and bustling them out to examine in the light.
Honestly, I want to utilize every moment and squeeze every drop of joy out of each day, “climbing every mountain” with determination, yet enjoying the view. I want to try new things, ones that scare me with their import, but that shape and prepare me for my life’s purpose. And above all, I want to glorify my Creator with an excited, joyous spirit. Whatever comes – I will be ready.
I’ll have a large order of uncertainty, a dash of wisdom, and a huge drink of success, please.
And yes. I would like fries with that.