Who’s the Idiot Who Called It the “Common Cold”?

I am generally a stoic person, rarely crying at sad movies and laughing hysterically when I hit my funny bone, as I run in panicky, pained circles. Blood does not horrify me, I have a high pain tolerance, and I typically refuse to say “Ouch” when in agonizing agony (such as when a toe is stubbed), choosing instead to growl through my teeth, while panting heavily. I detest giving pain the satisfaction. Therefore, it may be a shock when I confess this:

Colds turn me into a mewling, whiny baby, who is further gifted with a bass voice an opera singer would treasure.

baby 2I feel quite sorry for myself, lying in bed and having to count each breath as it wheezes through my congested self. I morbidly consider the very real possibility that I might die in my sleep because I only have two nostrils, and neither one seems to have any inclination to help out with breathing. I snuffle and wheeze, choke and gasp, wonder “why me?”, and overdose on coughdrops.

Dozing fitfully, I awaken at the slightest noise and give serious thought to killing the person who coughed two levels below me. Unable to sleep, I mournfully try to sing myself off to slumber but am distracted by my inability to hit any note above G below middle C, which seriously hampers a rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”. My eyes feel like smoldering embers, igniting a slow-burning flame through my entire body, and I reflect that though I have always wanted smoky eyes, this is not quite how I pictured them.

The bright spot in this sea of suffering is that I now have an unlimited time frame in which to satisfy my craving for books. While absentmindedly wiping my both runny and congested nose (How is that even possible?? Defying Gravity has got nothin’ on my proboscis), I have gasped my way through “Fahrenheit 451”, laughed and winced through “Screwtape Letters”, and snuffled through “Bridge to Terabithia”.

Don’t read that book when you have a cold. You won’t be able to breathe. Ever.

However, one can only read so long (thank you, smoldering embers for eyes), so one lays and longs for sleep. It’s an extremely vicious cycle, this neverbreaking three-twined strand of sleepiness, slow suffocation, and snuffling, but one that seems to have an insatiable appetite for long life.

However, it does allow one much time for thinking, which isn’t necessarily good because of one’s muddled brain, but I have come to one – well, several – conclusions:

That though I can snuffle all I want, others should be drawn and quartered for doing the same. That trying to hold back a sneeze only implodes God knows what through your foggy skull, and that vix vapor rub is a gift worthy of a Nobel Peace prize. That the idiot who called it a “common cold” must never have had one. That not being able to taste anything should nullify any calories one ingests, which is only fair, that singing bass is actually rather fun, and last but not least, that…

“I shall not die of a cold. I shall died of having lived.” ~ Willa Carther

Boom. Take that “common cold”. Deep philosophy in the maws of almost certain death by suffocation.

I win.

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About loverofwords20

Allison is an aspiring author, and a lover of words, music, and the Lord Jesus Christ. She is also abysmal at these “about you” things, being unable to think of quirky characteristics at the drop of a hat. However, she enjoys singing randomly and loudly, and laughing hysterically while being caught in the rain.
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15 Responses to Who’s the Idiot Who Called It the “Common Cold”?

  1. Faith says:

    I too hate the vile cold- and all its ilk. I shall have to book mark this and revisit it next time I have one. My poor Dad has one. How true your observations- embers for eyes, longing for sleep!

  2. Faith says:

    I wanted to add I am praying for a speedy recovery if you are suffering now!!!

    • Thanks so much! Truly appreciate that. 🙂 I am under the attack of a very unamiable cold right now, but somehow, blogging about it seems to alleviate the symptoms. Maybe because I settled that it’s not just in my head…either that, or my muddled brain was too full, and wanted someplace to empty itself.

  3. kiitwizard89 says:

    You know…..one cannot help but smile……after reading this post of yours…its a interesting take on something that’s as mundane as common cold……(or should i not call it common)…..nywayz…..nyc words…..fellow blogger!!!

    • Glad it made you smile! Uff da – definitely not the common cold. Anything but that name. 😉 Any other disease that made you feel like you were dying of suffocation would simply be labeled that: slow death. Thanks for commenting!

  4. I have “Man Colds.” They are, of course, much worse…
    :>)
    Just kidding, of course. In the meantime, you know the drill…
    Oh, and find this episode on netflix:
    http://veehd.com/video/4289742_The-Beverly-Hillbillies-S04-E15-The-Common-Cold

  5. Florrie says:

    This is really funny, I stumble upon your blog and the first post is about the common cold. Which I also wrote a little something about. Except your entry is so much funnier and witty. You got yourself a new follower 🙂

    • Ever so glad you enjoyed it! Haha – great minds must think alike, hmm? I shall trot over to check your’s out as well; in the meantime, thank you so much for following me! (Only in the blogging world does that sound non-creepy). 😉

  6. apeslugger says:

    I totally agree with those conclusions. 😀 (if you have or are recovering from a cold I’m either glas you’re better or hope you feel better 🙂 )

  7. Carole Ramke says:

    Enjoyed your rant–but I don’t let colds catch me any more.

    I would be glad to send you a copy of my book if you would write a review (after taking time to experiment and prove to yourself that it works). My website is http://www.howtostopcolds.com

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